Tryin' to deal with change, ch-ch-changes...

I wasn't gone from my old job for an hour before I was reminded that transitions generally aren't my forte. What should have been a freeing feeling of being unleashed from the confines of employment (but financially stable) for two days instead left me holding my blackberry the very moment that the most meaningful of good-bye-and-good-luck emails were no longer openable. And I was devastated. Its laughable now that one of my former partners suggested that my decision to leave was the height of selfishness (when he had given me every opportunity of my career, etc.). Anyone who knows me knows that I don't handle transitions well --- the more selfish maneuver by far would be to have stayed at my job and just continued complaining for another couple of years. I have been at my new job for almost three weeks now, and I am still far from mastering the computer system for document saving, or how to enter time, run conflicts checks, etc. I still miss terribly the familiarity of my old job, especially coming to work every morning to a cheerful greeting from my secretary of 12 years, her hello and meaningful inquiry about me, my sleep, my daughter and my dog (and Mark). She was so much more than a fantastic secretary -- she was the person who stood with me moments before I walked up the aisle to get married, she was the one who greeted every friend and family member who would call in the office remembering who they were and talking personally to them, she was the one who would tap on my office door to gently wake me as I would catch a quick nap on the couch just a month or so pregnant, and too scared to tell anyone else for fear of losing the pregnancy. I asked Tammy advice on every single problem that I ever encountered in the last 12 years, and her positive outlook often grounded me and showed me the best outcome. Over these three weeks, I have really worried that I will pass on my fear of change to Sadie (as well as my evident inability to learn new computer skills). But I came across this picture of her tonight, and it has eased many of my fears for her. I actually went searching for this one... this is the picture right as Sadie was preparing to walk across the kitchen floor for the first time. Sadie was not one of those children who took a step here and a step there around the time that she turned 1, falling down and getting back up again. Nope... my child waited until she was absolutely ready and certain she could do it on her own, and was almost 15 months old before she walked without holding onto one of our pinkies. I looked for this picture because I thought it would demonstrate a look of fierce determination, kind of the look that I think I have worn the past 3 weeks. A look that says "I am scared, but I will master this, just bare with me." A grimace. But when I found the picture... here I see that Sadie looked far different. Her look was one that was thrilled with the opportunity. Sure she waited until she was good and ready, and I don't really remember her falling much when she started walking. But she was thrilled with it all. She looks like a surfer. She enjoyed the wave. Once again, I learn more from her day to day than I think she learns from me.